Bae

 Hey there Bae,

How are you?

How is everything going on? Your parents? Your brothers?

I hope all is well. Also can you please say hi from me to your niece and nephew. I miss playing with them. I bet they already forgot who i am by now, they have grown a lot. 
How is your girlfriend also? I hope both of you are in a strong and well relationship, i hope nothing but the best. 

If you ask me how i'm doing, i'm doing terrific. I am juggling between my online class and work also, but now thankfully i got the chance to be able to rest more at home. I've been working and going out everyday it gets tried sometimes but i love my job. I hope this online letter finds you well, i kept all your letters and gift too. It's still here.. and i still read it until now. I keep it in a very save box only for me to enjoy. 

Truthfully speaking, 

I miss you.

I don't know as a past lover or as a friend but i miss you. It's been a long time since we chat or talking face to face. There's a lot i wanna tell you but then again i know we couldn't be that kind of friend because i still respect your relationship and understand your girlfriend, so i try to be understandable as possible. I know that it's wrong for me to keep holding things from the past, to reminisce old happy memories, and just keeping things that has already pass. But i'm this kind of person. I am the person who look forward to the future but also hold on to the past, but only the good stuff. 

Everytime i go off from work, i always go to the same route as the one we used to went. And so everytime i come home from work, memories always rushing through my mind about this certain street. I remember in that street, we we're still a kid, heavy rain pouring for like 2 hours and i couldn't go home, we we're just standing there awkwardly hoping this rain will end but silently wishing it won't too so we could be together more longer. I still remember the feeling i had back then, it was just a giddy feeling. 

When we pass this road, as i am clutching to your hoodie pocket, feeling your warmth from the backside. It was a great feeling. A feeling that i probably never forgot for the rest of my life. Until this day i still crave for it. Because it's the warmth and the scent that keeps me for 2 years. Still remember how you act, talk, holds, gently care for me, the little things you did, like when i don't button up my sleeve, you did it to me. When i was feeling chilly, you gave me your big fluffy hoodie jacket with M in it. When i don't wear leggings or any pants when i wear a skirt, you are afraid other boys gonna look at my calf so you cover me up and nag me how i should wear leggings if i'm wearing a skirt. 

That little things that made me feel so embarrassed and regretful to look back now because when we are in a relationship i never notice those things and never feel grateful about it. I should've shown you more care, be more affectionate, grateful of all the things you have done for me, and just be happy with what i got. I truly regret some days, that i haven't been the best for you. We we're both still very young, like a child. We we're still struggling with out identities, ourselves, so i think it's natural that we are still immature about a 'relationship'.

Sometimes i think to myself, "maybe i just miss the memories, not the person". Because when we look only at the happy memories, we feel thrill but we tend to forget the bad memories also. We we're really selfish. At the beginning we both are truly very selfish. We fight almost everyday. After we fight for 2 weeks and then make up and then fight again another weeks, and i was really selfish too. I always waits for you to say sorry first, but if the fight last long than 2 weeks and no one is saying sorry first then i'll say sorry. We are so strong in our own ego that we tend to forgot to lower our pride for the sake of each other. As i repeat it again, we are still immature.

We broke, makeup, broke, makeup. If i could describe it we have an on-off relationship for 3 / 4 times, but let's just say we have 3 phase. And my most favorite phase are the last phase. It was honestly the best one i have ever had. We never fought, and if we do we just forgave each other and move on. We we're more understanding, more affection, more mature, we are just like a best friend lover. And that is my ideal relationship. A loving relationship that fights and joke like a best friend, but loving like a lover. 

We made a parody video, music video, we made tons of stuff, eats a lot, drinks a lot (boba), and we go a lot. It was a memories i couldn't ever ever forgot. If i could go back to that time, i would. It was safe to say that, you are my first love or in korea they say 첫사랑.  

Even though there are people before you, but you are the one who shines more than them as in i remember you the most. And in fact, there are people after you too but still you are the one who i remember and cherish the most. Like what people said, you can't never really forget your first love. 

I don't know about you, but you are mine. 

Also, the one thing that i am truly grateful the most to you is that... you never force me to do anything. You always respect me. Despite our many differences, including... you know the big one. You always respect me. Maybe i have said it in the past but i want to continue thanking you for that, thank you. 

You respect my boundaries, you respect myself, you respect me as a women, you respect me as a muslim and i'm thankful for that. 

As i grew older and more mature, my view in dating and relationship are very different. I think you too. Lots of heartbreak, lots of ups and downs makes us more mature and that is what adulthood feels like. I tend to be more straightforward and honest in relationship now. But after you i think it's kinda difficult for me to find the person that i feel comfortable to go with again. I haven't met someone like you again. Of course there are a person who truly are my ideal type. Like literally my ideal type, everything i wish in a guy is in him. But somehow when i'm going out with him or eating with him i always get reminded of you. Maybe because i used to do this with you so often that it's just comes out as a habit. 

Just to let you know that i still think about you sometimes. 

For now, i have no intention of getting a boyfriend nor a husband in a short time, even though i wish it'll happen, haha. But i will just let it come to me naturally. Never know which man i will encounter or fall in love in the future. If i may say then it's been 4 years since my last real relationship and i'm not planning to search it right away. 

Certain songs made me think of you, also the songs that i put on the app? Yup that's the song. 

Even though i miss you and sometimes wanting to go back to you. I feel like everything that happen is all His plan. Like it's already destined to be this. Because if maybe we're still together today, we wouldn't be able to meet certain people, got certain job, be friend with this people, or go somewhere. I think this event is a part of a level in adulthood that we supposed to pass. I always and heavily think about this kind of thought for a while. Maybe if i'm still with you, i wouldn't get to where i am today. And maybe if you we're still with me, you wouldn't get to where you are today. 

It's all His plan.

And i thinks it's beautiful. 

Yeah i miss it, yeah sometimes i cry about it, but i'm grateful for all the things happening to me. I am currently working as a full time and also got a year left to finish my college. It was a rollercoaster journey, maybe with you beside me would been a lot easier. But i'm also continue to learn to be a much more good person than i am now, studying more on language or business management, and be a great daughter to the family. I hope you are also striving to make your dreams come true. I look forward in the future to see how amazing we have become in our own journey. 

Give me a call if you want to sip a coffee sometimes (not coffee probably 'cuz i don't like it)

And see you next time bae.