Anxious Attachment Issue

I am bad,

I am worse,

I am ugly when it comes to rejection and abandonment. 

I am trying my best but i still can't handle how to not eat myself out and let my anxious state get the best out of me. It's been real difference the more older i get, the more i forget and the more i get anxious. I thought this stop like a year ago when i really get a bad anxious and panic attack for 2 month straight. 

What is Anxious Attachment?

Therapist said.. when someone has a low self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships. It's normal to feel appreciate, valued, and feel the attention but people with anxious attachment want more than normal. It's like normal people only need 6 and people with anxious attachment need 12. 

They said this issue comes from childhood, because of abandonment during early childhood. But i don't feel that way. My parents and i we're perfectly fine, they are very intuitive and caring for me, they're not abandoning me... Or that's just what i felt?

When someone said i react badly to rejection i always said no, because i didn't feel like that. 

But then again when i reflect again... i do.. react badly to rejection. It's either 2 things: blaming myself for it or hating myself then make others pity for me. 

Until now, i still can't 100% sure how to make my anxious chill a bit at least for 90% of it. Nobody has never taken serious of this issue that i got, and i got nobody to understand me.

The only person who understand and can take care of it, already away from my life.

Or i'm forcing him to left me, depends on what side of the story you're looking. Lol.

Always feeling i'm not good enough...

Very clingy (you can try ask that to my boyfriend)

Very sensitive

Insecure

Always worrying...

and Always ALWAYS Overthinks.

Overthinks kills me. It brings the acid in my stomach to the throat and then i can't eat, i don't feel like i want to eat and then my stomach just yells because i need to eat but i can't. Stress really do shit to your body. Because when i'm stress, it causes my hormones and my stomach to react and i can't eat cuz i got no appetite and my food can't be digest well.

As an individual, i'm a very loving and sensitive person. When i love someone i gave them my world. Even when something or some of the words they puncture to me hurts me so bad but the thoughts of being left by them hurts more. So i choose them instead of myself... 

When you get loved by an anxious attachment person (or this is just me) you are lucky. Cuz they will bring all the love and support for you. They will do and mold into whatever you like, if you prefer a cute girl, they will be like that. They are a passionate lover, clingy, very intuitive and always trying to make things better. But then again... they are hard to love, sometimes hard to understand, you can't get a time off personally sometimes because they will need your attention 24/7 and when you don't get them or forgot they will ask what's wrong with them and they start blaming on themselves just because you can't get them an attention.

They will literally torture themselves mentally until they can get it right, until you won't be mad at them. Even if they hurt their ego, even if they hurt themselves, but the fear of abandonment is too strong they pick to do that.

The pain and the cure comes from you.

I.. really can't depend on anyone.

Because of this issue, i always need to depend on someone, someone i love and care. But then again i can't break my self up and torture myself because you can't really depend 100% on someone. In the end of the day, the only person who you got is yourself. 

But now, i still can't do that. To find an antidote, a subtitute, so when i need it i don't have to search it. 

But how...

A session on with a psychologists again?