Where are you

I love you even when you we're sick,

I love you when you are happy

I love you even when you we're sad

I love you even when i'm mad

I love you even when you are upset

I love you even when you're tired

I love you when you are excited

So don't come ask me how much do i love you, how much do i sacrifice for you. I love every version of you. You're the only person in my life who i ever love this much. Only you.

I even love you more than i love myself.

I gave you my all. Literally my all.

My time, my affection, my dignity, my ego, my priority, my money, myself. But it seems like it we're never enough. No matter what i do, i always look bad on you. And you will be mad and sad for the things that i don't know or the things that is out of my control. 

When i try to act like what you did, you got furious and mad so bad. But when you do it, you expect me to accept your apologize and move on? 

You think it's that easy? 

It's like i can't even have my own feeling, i can't even feel things. I can't get sad or mad, i can't get upset or disapointed, i can't be mad at him, i can't do the things he did to me that hurt me the most. It's always okay for him but big NO for me. It's like i need to be a robot.

So let me ask you,

Where are you?

When i needed you the most. When i'm having a hard time, when i'm crying, when i'm in a badmood. Do you think you could expect me to always be the one who chase after you? The one who always apologize even when i'm not wrong. The one who always comes to you, sacrificing herself just so she could see you and cheer you up?

I keep being patience and try everything to make this relationship works. Even when you said "i think we need to break up" a couple times.

No.

For me, you are precious.
You are what i wanted.
And because i love you, i want to keep you, fight for you, protect you.

Even before we finally got back in after 5 years, i always told myself "I don't wanna lose you twice."

But it's hard when you're the one who fights alone. 

And when you don't even chase me after a bad storm, got me thinking "am i worth it to him?" "is he afraid of losing me?" "why is he so calm after having a fight with me?"

I feel so worthless.
I feel like you don't love me enough to keep me. I feel like i'm not important for you.

You don't even try to maintain and fight for this relationship. You are very laidback and doesn't even call me.

am i even important to you?

I never look at you through money, fame, and everything that is.
I love you, because you are YOU.
If i love you because of money, i would never get back with you in the first place. Or i would never leave you now that you got a big pay job.

I wanna be there for you, like i said few months back, i will be your number one supporter at finding a job. I even help you to try finding job. I always try to be your moodbooster even when i'm on my lowest down selves. 

But now, even when i'm on my last string you didn't try to contact me or ask me how i feel. You expect me to always be the one, but you said it yourself "don't expect from me". So i will not expect from you again.

I love you, and my feelings never changes since the day i backhug you in front of my friends. But you gave up on me. You gave up on US. You gave up on this relationship. Because if you do love me, if you really meant what you said earlier in the relationship. No matter how tired it is, you will still fight for it. Men will change for the woman they love.

So do you really love me?

If you ever still question my love for you,

I try to become friends with every single family member you got. Try to understand you and your friends more so i could talk and be there with them too. I even visit your Grandma more often then my own.
I already building an maintaining relationship because my main goal is to be able to get married with you. So i need to win your family heart by it. And i'm doing it now.

But it's hard when your fighting alone, with the person who never realize what he has done to break someone's daughter heart. 

I want to fight for you.
Aku mau memperjuangkan kamu Mas.

Tapi buat apa aku perjuangin kalau org yg ingin aku perjuangin tidak memperjuangkan aku juga. Not trying to fix this relationship.

Serasa aku tuh ga guna di hubungan ini. Dan jadi banyak pertanyaan di kepalaku... "Apakah dia beneran seneng ya sm aku?'
Now, i'm already tired being the victim. Already tired of apologizing first, and need to go to your house first everytime we have a fight.

I swear you will never find a better woman than i am.

and i think,
after all this time, 
and forever,
we are never gonna get over each other.