N . A

#np Lauv ft. BTS - Who I have a lot to say to my ex. I have a lot of apology to apologize to my ex. I have a lot of complain to complain to my ex. I have a lot to thank for to my ex. But.. is he the person? He seems... very different... It seems like he is another person... With the new tattoos all over his body, with the new environment, colder response, more contrast side of mind, and  new friends who now heavily influenced him... I am searching for the man who is my ex. Who is my first love. But.. Who is he..? It's like he's not the one i fell in love with.

I feel like i'm the only who's crazy. I never felt this way especially just because of a man, just because of love.  But you did it to me.  And then you left it. Like my craziness didn't mean anything.  Like it's nothing. Not even a single sympathy coming from you. I forgot... that's the one thing you lack. Even though I am stranded on a highway you probably just say "oh no" and proceed to do nothing. And you're still able to put the blame on me.  Still not feeling guilty or even just a little bit of sympathy. And then you ask me why I'm feeling this way? You don't realize or you don't want to realize? How could you?

 I choose you again, and in the end, I have to let you go again. but in my deepest heart, I still have a glimpse of hope in me. In another life, without any restrictions or doubts. In another life, we would be together forever. 

You smile and laugh to people even with stranger. But you frown and mad when you look back at me. And now your asking me why am i mad and sad at you? Unbelieveable.

  Have you read a sequel book but it has the same ending as the first book?  Because I did.  At first, I really don't want to write it or read it.  But my heart said so, and I will just follow what my heart wants without a care in the world. I thought it's gonna be different. I expect more, I expect a lot, I got too greedy. I thought the two main characters have something, and finally will have a good ending. A happy fairytale.  But I expect a lot, way way a lot. I got excited for no reason. Pray hard for the thing that is out of my hand. Loving someone so hard that it hurts myself over and over again. And when I finish the book. It's the same ending.  I want to throw the book away as possible. Be it on a river, falling from a cliff, crash and burn on a warehouse.  But I can't. Because it's too much.

 0% It drains me. Your energy drains me. Your sadness, and depression drains me. Even when I try my best to be supportive, cheerful, and still happy around you to make you feel better. It drains me. I got none more. Even for me. 0%

Seharusnya pertanyaan yang kau lontarkan bukanlah "Kenapa kamu jadi marah sama aku?" Tapi kamu harusnya yang berpikir, bertanya kepada dirimu sendiri "Kenapa dia jadi marah sama aku? Salahku dimana sampai dia marah seperti ini." Kamu selalu bilang "Wuv u" setiap malam, tetapi akhir-akhir ini aku sama sekali tidak merasakan cinta darimu. Apakah kalimat love you sekarang tidak ada artinya? Apa cuma formalitas saja? Mengapa aku tidak merasa dicintai. Aku capek. Lelah.

Do you want to know my everyday routine for the past 3 weeks.  - Wake up - Preparing to go to office - Work - Lunch - Work - Go home - Take a shower - Cry - Force myself to go to sleep.  I would be grateful if I'm lying. But I'm not. Nobody noticed, nobody gives a shit, and only my cat makes me smile. My 5 sec of happiness is my cat. That's it.  Even I am already tired of this sadness. Tired of myself. So many days I cry, I have an idea to took a picture every time I cry, every. single. day.  It's so pathetic.

I used to think marriage is a beautiful thing, and then it's a complicated thing, and now... it's a scary thing. The fact that you're gonna be living with that person for the rest of your life is romantic yet scary. Why is it Scary? If your lucky, you and him will live a happy blessfull life.  Because if you end up with the wrong man, it's gonna be hell for you. I keep wondering every night. Will i be loved whole heartedly by someone? Would i be that special someone forever to a man? Will he love me at my worst? Will he be there for me to support me? Will i... eventually find my home? In terms of love, I am always a clever.. until... i fall in love. Then i be the dumb one who is always clingy, always full of affection and hearts. Being mad at things that usually don't get me mad, Try to fall in love with the stuff my partner love, Crying myself to sleep of the pain and heartache my heart couldn't take.  With the stories that keeps thining my faith in marriage...