What possible thing that could've gone wrong to be love by someone so dearly? Someone who love me for who i am all these years and he hasn't even forget me. He said it's been 5 years which i kinda doubt it. But his love for me was put into all his art which now creates a great masterpiece, views, and even developing him to become Indonesia top director. As i said to him about 4 years ago "hope the heartbreak moment i gave you will become your inspiration one day" and it did. Even tho it's probably not the most proudest thing i can gave someone, a trauma.
He's everything that i need. Love me unconditionally, already steady with the wealth that he has continue working hard for, a hard working man, a family man, and religiously praying. What could i ask for more? What possible thing that i still need to search in a man? Is personality not enough to be my man?
I want this right? I want this. To be loved so much because all this time i felt that i was always the one who love someone so hard to the point i would do anything for them. There he is standing, a man who's willing to do so much for me, i just need to hold him by his hand and yet i stop my walk and just stared at him.
I mean i never know him personally as a lovers, we were friends our whole relationship. And in my eyes i never picture us as a couple together so when that confession broke up i don't know what else to say but to thank him.
The film series he made based on our true story, the confession he often tells our friends that he adores me, even the look on his eyes when he stares at me. It's all love and nothing but love from him. Unfortunately and confusingly i still see him as a friend.
At one point i was truly harsh at myself even confronted myself on how the hell am i not picking up? how the hell do i not share the same love as he did to me? how the hell do i not feel the same way after all this time? I was about to think that i am not normal. Something is abnormal.
Because all and what he does was like coming out of k-drama when i really want that to happen in real life. But when it happened... i did not pick the same choice the main character should choose. If this was k-drama everyone would've booed the main character and the ratings would drop as it not goes as happy as they wanted.
Even some of his friends who listen to his side of the story said i was like Summer in 500 days of summer. I was the annoying female character who keeps on flirting with him, gave him expectation, and then left him unwanted. It was definitely cruel and not something i intended to do but he had it the worse so i'm just letting all of that.
For the past 5 years he said that he like me but i never feel that sense of getting-ness of relationship or we call it in Indonesia "pdkt" and i have told him that too last year and then last week. But i guess he finally snap and said i'm gonna try to approach her more seriously. But unfortunately.. it was the wrong time for me.
Hence if this has been done 6 months ago, i would've treated it differently. Right now, i feel weird i feel like i'm not ready, i feel like it was not the right time. It's like i'm having a second puberty, i wanna explore so much of these world. I know that dating him wouldn't string me to death nor he would be so possessive over me but i don't know why i feel hesitate.
I know that if i do were to date him, we would've been married in about 2 to 1 years. He was ready to give the ring and the world for me. While i... still hesitate.
I know that i wanna date, i know that i wanna have a boyfriend, but also i want to explore the world more deeply, see more people, cultures, and experience a lot of stuff which i can also do it with him but why did i hesitate? I feel like it's gonna be the end of my exploring experience when it's not. I could also explore with him, go to Japan or go to United States. I can do whatever i want and he willingly would enjoy it also but yet why did i not pick that easy choice?
I don't know. I don't know what i've done wrong, i don't know if my heart is at fault here. I really don't know. It's all too complicated to process even i ask my friend to help me. Because i just... i don't know how to deal with this. It's just a simple thing and task. I just need to be in love with him
But why couldn't i feel it?
Am i abnormal?
Am i stupid?
What could be the thing that is holding me back?
Now it's been 4 hours since i type that one paragraph and still i couldn't have the bravery to press send.
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