Tonight, i just went to my friend first ever movie premiere. This is his first big screen debut with horror movies that played by one of popular actor and actresses. Seeing him on stage presenting his work and thanking each one of the people who play an important part of getting him there make me all so happy.
I was giddy the whole time. I even prepare a small flower bucket for him and a little note, just a little gift to support him. He presented his speech very careful and nervously which is so funny to look at because he is usually always a confident guy. Something in me felt something, it's like i see him in a new light that i never knew before.
I would always shout his name, clap my hand the hardest, just giving my outmost cheer to him. I'm so so proud of him. Really.
To be honest, i didn't watch his movie fully focused. I try to get myself distracted because... it's horror... and i can't watch horror. So i watch the non horror scene and then go back to looking at the exit light when the horror scene came.
After the film ends, my first reaction was to clap at the movie, at him, at all the cast. They did a good job. And then suddenly it hits me... memory of ours, memory of the late night talk at that chicken place where he said he wants to be known, he wants everyone to see his hardwork, and how he tells that he got a chance from a production house that he's currently having an internship. Hearing the news makes me burst crying... cuz i'm so happy for him. I'm so happy for him that i couldn't contain my excitement and tears.
And then it happen again.
When the movie ends i choked up a bit, because in my mind it's all flashback. A flashback to our moments, the silly and serious things it made me realize that we've done a lot and we've been together a lot.
Our friends are of course excited to see you and congratulate you. You deserve it, everyone should know your piece. Including me, i'm excited that i can see you again and even seeing you in your first ever movie premiere. That is so fun.
On the way home, i finally cannot hold my emotions anymore as i burst out crying at the road going home... I feel... a lot of things. I feel happiness, i feel proud, more overproud, i feel giddy. I burst out crying while remember the times. It suddenly strikes me that i've done this. Feeling overproud to you until i cry and it happen again this time since i won't stop crying..
Even until today, where i just came back from the premiere, still in my outdoor clothes wearing a full day makeup i am still crying.
I am just so so so so proud of you. I am so so so proud of my friend. Seeing your milestone, every step of the way makes me more emotional than i normally am.
Makes me question myself on why i don't want it.
But i guess... the only expectation is because....
Because of you.
I guess the main and big reason is you. Because i cannot bear the fact we're gonna be a stranger and i'm gonna break your heart again and again if we broke up. Because i'm still not ready to go deep with you since i'm still curious about my own feeling and even i still don't know what i want.
And i don't want you to be my victim. I don't want to add another heartbreak to you. So for me, the best solution is not to be together. Cuz you are so precious to me that i cannot do that to you.
But i always do believe that.. if we are meant to be together in the future, then we will be together in the future. That is my answer to you right now
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