“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”
Last Friday, i just finished watching Hunger Games : The Ballad Of Songbirds & Snakes, shortly it's about C Snow origin villain story. In some part, i can relate to how and what makes him, HIM. It's the trust, it's the people that we love sometimes can hurt us the most in the most vile way. And in this case, my case, she might not act that vile but she definitely hurt my heart.
It took me 2 weeks and a movie to make me finally opening up about this. No friends, even my best friends that i tell about it. This is probably the one thing that i will keep to myself because i'm afraid of what other people feel. I feel like they will not understand it, i feel they will belittle my feelings and ignore it. Thinking it was just an easy heartbreak, it was nothing, and just throw me to the ground. So rather than me having a 2 times heartbreak from the person who makes it and then the person who i intent to tell my story and hoping they would cheer me on or empathize with me but suddenly just think it's normal. I will be extremely sad. Shutting up seems like a good option. Trust is so needed, but for now the trust i have for the people i "thought" is my people is gone.
I shut down every possibility of communications to me as i can, but of course except that one green application that i still need in order for me to get a pay check.
Shutting down people i care was the one of things i thought i never do. But i did.
I always just shut my self down, but not the people too.
I guess the pain was deep.
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“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
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We usually begins conversation when i check up on her and then ask her to hang out together. Going to a bookstore or just chill at a good coffee shop. We had so many similar interest it's easy for us to pick a place. Not to mention so many places, stuff, experiences, and food i wanna try with her i even have a saved playlist in my Google Maps titled "Places i wanna go with .... "
in which, i now deleted.
She was a precious friend i ever had and i'm very delightful that we rekindle again. I often say that i am blessed that she was my friend and how we can be so comfortable with each other. I really really really cherish her and our friendship because to be honest, it's the kind of friendship that i have longed for. A friendship that is so comfortable, pure, happy, rooting for each other growth, respect each other and just no secret to each other. She would go to places even tho it might be far from her just to go to me and i would do it myself. I just see myself in her and she treat me the way i treat my close friends, which i always need and want.
Thus why, this pain is 10 times more painful, probably 10.000 times more painful than i thought it would be. Never in my life i would lose her like this. She was my best friend that i ever had but also the hammer that broke my heart.
So many things she said that night in that chat left me pondering, wondering, confused, questioning and left lonely.
"why is she talking about it just now?"
" she needs time, does she mean she is not that comfortable around me the way that i am?"
"does that mean all this time it was a one sided love? i cherish her as a best friend but she doesn't see me the same way?"
" she needs time, does she mean she is not that comfortable around me the way that i am?"
"does that mean all this time it was a one sided love? i cherish her as a best friend but she doesn't see me the same way?"
"so all this time i was just making her uncomfortable and hurt her without me knowing?"
"does all her promises to me even is the truth?"
"does all her promises to me even is the truth?"
"so what's the truth then?"
"am i a good or a bad friend then?"
the sudden cut of communications,
the sudden cut of communications,
the you who didn't even bother to reply to my messages for 4 months even though i know you were online and still uploading pictures on your story,
the me who left confused to what happen to our clear communications and did i do something so bad that made you like this?,
the me who pin down and think so carefully of everything i did to you that probably make you upset,
the you who knows most of my secret, including the one where i said silent treatment hurts me most,
but you who did it to me.
the you who came up with explanations after me saying "thank you."
and the me who finally had a closure of what's going on with us after these month but broke down when reading your message.
I admitted i was also at fault. I was clueless in some part, i thought it was okay, i thought you were okay with it because you never told me anything too, i know that in our relationship you are very vocal with your feelings because we were that comfortable so when you don't like it you said it to me, but that night you didn't and i thought it was okay. But here you are bringing it again after 4 months making me confused.
I appreciate the honesty and the feedback you gave to me. I really do. I love a clear communication relationship and i feel that our relationship are at that level where we could be so honest to each other. That chat gave me a closure that even though i feel comfortable with you, i shouldn't because you don't feel that comfortable to me that well.
But the cherry on top was when you said that i only came to you when i need you (a.ka when i'm lonely or just in a bad times)
That 1 sentence, 11 words got me crumbling to my knees. Everything i thought i had, everything i thought i trust just crumble. My value in friendship? Shattered. It may seems like a dumb sentence to someone, or somebody who's gonna read this post gonna think "she really be sad over a sentence like that?" but yeah, i am, i do feel sad about it. Someones gonna think that i am "playing victim" or i'm too "selfish". But this is what i feel and i get to feel what i feel.
The fact that she even thought about that just makes me boil but sad. She has been there for me a lot of time and i try also to be there for her all the time. I don't know is it because i'm more vocal or just an adventurer but in the friendship, i am most of the time are the asker, the inviter, and she is the joiner. So every single chance of her getting me into something or asking me to just even accompany her to a supermarket i would gladly and happily take the offer. Cherish all the times she need me the most.
So that one sentence for me is the hammer in my glass.
Like i said and i will said it for a lot of times, i cherish her and this friendship so much. Her happiness is my happiness, her sadness is my sadness. But i guess it was just all in my head. It was a one sided friendship love. She doesn't see it the way i see it. Maybe i'm the delusional one. But i do feel like i was betrayed.
Positive notes, thanks to this, i can know recognize how to know when i'm in distress or stress because before i don't know how to spot when i am being stressful, i thought it was just a one/two day sadness.
The symptom include:
1. Chapped lips (i never had chapped lips, but when i do, that means i'm so stressed)
2. Constant crying for more than 2 days
3. Most of the time feeling dazed and emotionless
4. Constant sleepiness feeling
5. Change of patterns (the things that i used to enjoy doesn't gave me enjoyment anymore)
______________________
Social media disabled,
WhatsApp restricted,
Daze constantly,
Work stress,
Credibility being questioned,
Self blame gained,
These past 2 weeks has got to be the most emotionless and sadness i ever been after Revi past away. Even my past love break up with my first love didn't top this.
Just the feeling of the trust that was broken, the value that i hold on so much it was shattered, and the trauma that comes back again is haunting me.
Cause this is not the first time i experience this, my ex best friend in high school also did the same, even worse. We were laughing and chatting in a one fine afternoon after school and then the next day she ghosted me in class, didn't even said a word, make up a fake rumour about myself that made everyone hate me for the past 1 years. I call that year, a constant hell. But thank Allah SWT i am strong, thanks to Allah SWT i still have the strength to cheer myself up even though i'm alone those one hell year, i thank myself so much i didn't consider to end myself or cut myself. Just a pounding head on the wall is enough.
3 years after that i just know the reason she did that is because the boy she like used to like me. Absurd. Obsessively absurd.
Best friend - Sudden cut of communication - Againts me
It happening again now, with the person i least expected. The trauma coming back again now. I don't know who i should trust now. I even rethink my choices of the "best friend" i had now. Cross of some name or names.
And the fact that she (the one who broke my heart just now) has done this once and i'm not gonna be here again to experience the third time, that's enough.
______________________
“It hurts to leave a light on for nobody.” - Graham Foust
Hey you,
remember the promise that we would write off a letter to one another every month? So we know each other recent update? We haven't exchanged letter since August of 2023. But i guess you won't be needing my letter now. I didn't now that this break up took a toll on me as hard as it did, to the point i rethink my life and my value in life. Is what i'm doing good? or i'm just a nuisance to other? I guess the feeling of betrayal does something black to the heart hurt by it huh?
Sorry that i seem off or unlike myself the one that you said to me. I'm sorry if i am so clueless all this time. I'm sorry if i hurt you and made you uncomfortable in anyway. I'm sorry that i am too comfortable to you but didn't think of your feelings to me because it seems that we didn't feel both ways to each other. I'm sorry for all the trouble i put you through.
I cherish all the time we spent together, all the karaoke session, the tears the laugh, the happiness just to be there for you.
I'm still trying to bring myself back up and i'm happy that it turns out people are searching for me. I thought i am useless piece of shit, but i guess people still looking for me and i'm happy. It will took me a while to continue to smile like i did before. To bring trust again in people and the friends that i have now but i will try to not give up on myself.
I hope you never had to ghosted or silent treatment you friend again and i hope you will meet your new best friend who you will feel comfortable match with.
Good luck on your life and career.
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