N . A

When you wake up and you just want to sleep again because sleep is more nice than doing activities. When you constantly battling yourself in your head, presuring yourself to stop blaming yourself. Daydreaming seems enjoyable rather than talking to people. When just picking your phone or answering someone's chat is so tiredsome and requires lots and lots of energy. When you don't love the thing your love anymore. When you don't enjoy what you used to enjoy. That sudden rush of memories, self blame and anxiety that you cry in the middle of the street. Constantly waking up feeling so tired even though you already sleep for 8 hours. When everything goes wrong and you feel like you deserve that because you're just a useless individual.  Constantly crying in bed to help you go to sleep. The feeling of wanting to talk about it but then not wanting to talk about it because you feel it's not important and people wouldn't understand it. The denying of the feeling. Maybe i

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” Last Friday, i just finished watching Hunger Games : T he Ballad Of Songbirds & Snakes, shortly it's about C Snow origin villain story. In some part, i can relate to how and what makes him, HIM. It's the trust, it's the people that we love sometimes can hurt us the most in the most vile way. And in this case, my case, she might not act that vile but she definitely hurt my heart.  It took me 2 weeks and a movie to make me finally opening up about this. No friends, even my best friends that i tell about it. This is probably the one thing that i will keep to myself because i'm afraid of what other people feel. I feel like they will not understand it, i feel they will belittle my feelings and ignore it. Thinking it was just an easy heartbreak, it was nothing, and just throw me to the ground. So rather than me having a 2 times heartbreak from the

 Tonight, i just went to my friend first ever movie premiere. This is his first big screen debut with horror movies that played by one of popular actor and actresses. Seeing him on stage presenting his work and thanking each one of the people who play an important part of getting him there make me all so happy.  I was giddy the whole time. I even prepare a small flower bucket for him and a little note, just a little gift to support him. He presented his speech very careful and nervously which is so funny to look at because he is usually always a confident guy. Something in me felt something, it's like i see him in a new light that i never knew before.  I would always shout his name, clap my hand the hardest, just giving my outmost cheer to him. I'm so so proud of him. Really. To be honest, i didn't watch his movie fully focused. I try to get myself distracted because... it's horror... and i can't watch horror. So i watch the non horror scene and then go back to look

  It's been an hour since i text and yet i haven't click send. Or didn't dare to click it. What possible thing that could've gone wrong to be love by someone so dearly? Someone who love me for who i am all these years and he hasn't even forget me. He said it's been 5 years which i kinda doubt it. But his love for me was put into all his art which now creates a great masterpiece, views, and even developing him to become Indonesia top director. As i said to him about 4 years ago "hope the heartbreak moment i gave you will become your inspiration one day" and it did. Even tho it's probably not the most proudest thing i can gave someone, a trauma. He's everything that i need. Love me unconditionally, already steady with the wealth that he has continue working hard for, a hard working man, a family man, and religiously praying. What could i ask for more? What possible thing that i still need to search in a man? Is personality not enough to be my man