N . A

If I knew it was our last, I would have Kept you in my eyes I’ve never not loved you From the beginning and even until now Lately i've been re-loving and repeating the song Why Why Why by Ikon. It's so deep in the lyrics and so relatable to me. A beautiful yet sad songs and it hits too close to home.  It's like someone was singing this to me, sincerely. At least this soothe my pain for a while. Drowning in those beautiful lyrics that makes my heart ache.  How could you let go of this beautiful flower? Myself. - In fact it still seems like a lie Like you’d come back with a great big smile Beautiful as you were Only now I feel regret All I did was to make your beautiful smiling face covered in tears This isn’t what I wanted Eventually ending up in this position, coming to this, I’m the one who messed it up Couldn’t even protect a flower like you All the flashing sparks in our relationship Have turned into white ashes From just anybody to my love From fate to lovers Blossomed

I love you even when you we're sick, I love you when you are happy I love you  even when you we're sad I love you even when i'm mad I love you  even when you are upset I love you  even when you're tired I love you when you are excited So don't come ask me how much do i love you, how much do i sacrifice for you. I love every version of you. You're the only person in my life who i ever love this much. Only you. I even love you more than i love myself. I gave you my all. Literally my all. My time, my affection, my dignity, my ego, my priority, my money, myself. But it seems like it we're never enough. No matter what i do, i always look bad on you. And you will be mad and sad for the things that i don't know or the things that is out of my control.  When i try to act like what you did, you got furious and mad so bad. But when you do it, you expect me to accept your apologize and move on?  You think it's that easy?  It's like i can't e

Someone has said "Jealous is the ugliest trait". Dan menurutku benar. Kecemburuan dapat membara hati kita, mengeluarkan sisi terburuk diri kita, melepaskan semua setan-setan itu. Maupun dari luar ataupun dr dalam diri. Kecemburuan dapat membawa malapetaka untuk diri kita sendiri atau orang lain. Cemburu pun luas bisa dengan orang lain, bisa dengan jabatan, bisa dengan perilaku, dll. Seperti aku, kita. Pasti aku ada cemburunya saat berhubungan denganmu.  Apakah itu dengan para barisan mantan pacarmu? Hmm.. mungkin Apakah itu dengan mantan gebetanmu? Kasian, mereka saja tidak jadi. Buat apa aku cemburu. Tetapi aku sangat amat cemburu terhadap teman-temanmu. Ya, teman-temanmu. Sekelompok teman-temanmu yang selalu kau diajak bermain kesana kemari dari malam sampai pagi. Kecemburuan ini yang sering menjadi perkara dihubungan kita. Sering menjadi masalah terus menerus tanpa henti. Aku awal-awal tidak mempermasalahkan tentang teman-temanmu. Karena akupun punya sahabat juga. Kami ja

I am bad, I am worse, I am ugly when it comes to rejection and abandonment.  I am trying my best but i still can't handle how to not eat myself out and let my anxious state get the best out of me. It's been real difference the more older i get, the more i forget and the more i get anxious. I thought this stop like a year ago when i really get a bad anxious and panic attack for 2 month straight.  What is Anxious Attachment? Therapist said.. when someone has a l ow self-esteem, strong fear of rejection or abandonment, and clinginess in relationships. It's normal to feel appreciate, valued, and feel the attention but people with anxious attachment want more than normal. It's like normal people only need 6 and people with anxious attachment need 12.  They said this issue comes from childhood, because of abandonment during early childhood. But i don't feel that way. My parents and i we're perfectly fine, they are very intuitive and caring for me, they're not aban

  Inspired by The Netflix Series titled Maid on episode 8 where they have therapy session and each of the characters need to tell their happiest day.  Well i wanna tell you mine. My happiest day are back from October 2018 where i am representing Indonesia at Nanying International Folklore Dance festival. It was my first time traveling outside the country, my first time traveling with plane without my parents, and my first time dancing representing for my country in a festival. It was a first time full with blessing and happiness. I can't stop saying gratitude and thanking my God for this opportunity because this is.. after all.. my dream. My childhood dream that i've been longing to have, traditional dancing and representing my country at international dance festival.  I still remember all the places, details vividly. I even still remember how my heartbeat so fast when i enter that airplane. I was airsick for sure, 9 hours ride wasn't easy but it was worth it. Accompany by

 "Tell me when you don't feel joy doing the things you used to love, because that's a sign" That's what my therapist said. As she said that, it finally cross to my mind and i finally realize something that i do before that now i don't. I feel joy, i feel passionate to do but now the fire has less flame than ever. I remember that i use to love learning about stuff, i love keeping myself busy. Doing any business, doing any learning to make myself useful and smarter. Even when i don't have anything to do, i try to keep myself busy like learning korean,  editing my YouTube videos, learning Digital marketing, painting, or reading a books. I scheduled my plan daily and it has to be exactly as it plans so i feel like i do a productive thing today.  But now i feel like i lost that spark. I lost that sense of myself. The one who used to be so busy to herself, thriving to become successful, thriving to become an amazing independent woman, who used to be so ambitious

Assalamu'alaikum Lost Star. Bagaimana kabarnya disana? Semoga lagi bersenang-senang disana ya bersama para bidadari dan dayang-dayangnya...  Seperti biasa... aku ingin mengomel.. semoga kamu masih tahan dan mau mendengar omelan aku. Karena yang aku butuhkan hanya untuk didengar dan yang ada untukku. Bulan Agustus kemarin dan sekarang sungguh melelahkan... aku sedang stress berat dengan permasalahan dari berbagai faktor... perkuliahan, pekerjaan, percintaan, dan diriku sendiri. Aku menganggapnya hal yang normal tetapi lama kelamaan sangat berat sampai aku malas untuk ngapa ngapain. Tidak ada api membara di hatiku, tidak ada semangat di ragaku, semuanya runtuh seketika... menghilangkan minatku terhadap apapun. Aku sedang bukan diriku. Disaat penyakit ku satu-satu mulai kambuh.., panic attackku juga muncul dan aku mulai menyakiti diriku sendiri aku yakin aku harus mencari pertolongan. Akhirnya ku berbicara dengan psikolog. Semoga aku bisa menjadi lebih baik lagi, terus do'akan aku

Anjani is typing... Aku mau kamu cepat sembuh, aku hanya bisa menunggu Aku mau bertemu, aku hanya bisa menunggu Aku mau semuanya kembali seperti saat yang baik- baik saja, aku hanya bisa menunggu Aku mau kamu jemput aku, aku hanya bisa menunggu Aku mau kita makan makan enak lagi, aku hanya bisa menunggu Aku mau kamu ga benci sama aku lagi, aku hanya bisa menunggu. Sekali lagi menunggu. Dan sejujurnya aku bukan orang yang sabaran. Menunggu itu menyakitkan, dan tidak ingin ku lakukan tetapi demi orang yang ku sayang aku lakukan. Aku mengerti kamu sedang stress, marah, kecewa, apalagi kamu baru saja sembuh. Sangat mengerti, i wanna be there for you. Aku selalu mencoba untuk menjaga kamu, support kamu sebisa aku, mengirimkan kamu makanan, buah, apapun yang aku bisa untuk membuat kamu cepet sembuh, aku terus dukung kamu, aku terus mencoba memotivasi kamu, memberikan kamu kasih sayang yang kamu butuh dan inginkan. Kamu butuh space, okay. Kamu gak suka di spam, okay aku coba. Kamu mau ga dig

 YaAllah forgive me for i have not been able the good muslimah i wanted, pray, and hope to be. But please never doubt me or give up on me ever. I don't know but something about 1 am prayer and du'a that makes me so emotional. So touched and really feel like God speak to me. Sometimes words are hard to say and swallow but without even saying it, i feel like Allah SWT has understand me, listen to me... and i felt the connection. I keep on apologizing apologizing apologizing for what i have done that might not be the best...  keep being grateful and give thanks for everything he did, he reminds, and he see keep on shouting His name to my prayer... It was a spiritual journey

Could i actually be happy? No, the question is... could someone except my parent, can make me happy for the rest of my life? My parents had done all their life. Their job was to keep me safe, sound, and loved. They did it. But could someone replace them? I was foolish, i was stupid... i was in love.

Hari ini, 15 Juni 2021 jam 10.01 pagi akhirnya aku memulai script conference  atau yang biasa dibilang mahasiswa lain sempro/ sidang awal. Pada dasarnya script conference   itu sidang dimana kami menjelaskan tentang ide film kami alurnya, dan judul skripsi kami. Lalu diberi saran, feedback , dan suges yang mungkin agak menyulitkan dengan nada yang tegas.  Sidang yang membuat aku overthink dan pusing selama berhari-hari semenjak di beri tau jadwalnya.  Mual, pusing, Perasaan tidak ingin makan, dan mau muntah sampai turun 3 kg karena stress.  Akhirnya terbalaskan hari ini. Alhamdulillah pengujinya memberi feedback yang membantu untuk membuat skripsinya, juga mereka mengatakannya dengan sopan dan lembut sehingga mengurangi kepanikanku. Satu anak tangga sudah aku langkahi lagi.  Soon, Sidang Akhir. Tetapi sebelum itu. Mari main The Sims 2 dan tidak memikirkannya dahulu.  

 Getting hurt by your first love... Is a different type of hurting.

119? Hi, i lost someone.  Hi, can you help me find it? Hello i lost somebody can you help me find it? Oh... well i lost someone who i used to call my home . He used to be my source of happiness, the sparks after a long hard day of work, my mood booster to keep me sane, the light between all the shadows.  He used to be so passionate about knowing me, what i like, and what i do. He would chase after me so i would never be lost, He used to love to have me, Even insisted to always be by his side, Day & Night, He is like that lost little puppy who always seek for his owner. Waking the owner with excitement on it face, and Cheer when the owner got home. Appreciate me when i did a great job, Love and care for me when i'm in my insecurity, Being proud of me for being a great woman When i'm sad, he's sad When i'm mad, he's sad But we always work things out because we don't wanna go to bed angry. He put in the effort. Can i still call him my home when he makes me sad

 may i borrow some tissue to wipe up the water around my eyes. oh no it's not tears it's just... emotional water  drowning me under. maybe i will not use tissue now maybe i'll just empty my emotional water until i feel no longer capable of producing another one until i'm blank until i feel fine until i feel numb until i fall asleep cause i'd be too tired to do it again.

 Sometimes i think. Is this the right path? Is it right to go back again? To rekindle with an old flame. Or am i playing with the universe again. Hoping and even begging for us to hold each other again. Even when the universe has spoken before, I didn't listen and still continue my ways. I don't even know if you had brought me more giggle or tears. happy or sad. The pain of not being able to understand and to be understood.  hurts me slowly.

  We're like north and south, Fire and Ice, Our gaps are too big but we never go far from each other. I'm like a fire, strong will, emotional, fierce, and burns everything, while you are an ice, cold, calm, still, emotionless, and steady. When i try to shout, you calm me. When i try to burn, you extinguish me. That difference makes us more distance than with other people, The no similarity makes us more easy to fight over small things. When i want to talk, you prefer to stay quiet. When i want a big expression, you prefer to be cool and calm. But from this, i now learn that love is tolerance. How much can you tolerate your significant others? How understanding are you to him or her? Two strangers met in an specific time and place, and the decide they gonna love each other. That's strange to understand, isn't it? Two strangers who probably have different ideology, different ways on how they brush their teeth, how they sleep, how they apologize, how they clean. And when t

:):  Ya Allah yang maha Pengasih lagi maha Penyayang, Yang Maha Pemurah, Yang Maha Pemaaf, Yang Maha Pengampun. Aku mencintai salah satu hamba-mu,  hamba-mu yang masih belum mengerti atas kekuatanMu, yang masih belum mempercayai keAgungan-Mu dan kebesaranMu. Aku mencintai dia dengan tulus, seseorang yang namanya selalu kuselip di setiap do'a ku.  Seseorang yang selalu kuingat setelah ku bangun tidur dan sebelum ku tidur.  Ya Allah, aku tau mencintai seseorang itu tidak dilarang, tetapi mencintai dengan dalam sebelum waktunya yang menyebabkan zina itu tidak dibolehkan, Zina mata, zina suara, maupun zina berpegangan. Aku tau yang aku lakukan itu salah, tetapi tetap ku lakukan.  Ya Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. Aku ingin bertanya dengan tulus, Aku ingin meminta ampun dengan bersujud. Maafkan jika pelukannya membuatku nyaman, Maafkan jika kelembutannya membuatku tenang, Maafkan jika ucapan semangatnya membuatku semakin semangat, Maafkan jika kehangatannya membuatku sena

Let me just say Alhamdulillah Allah SWT still giving me a chance to celebrate this year Ramadhan with my whole family, and i'm praying and hoping in the next years and years after it and again and again i could celebrate with my whole family as well. But somehow... i feel the difference.  The euphoria or the excitement one may have for Ramadhan isn't as brightly as it is before. Back to 2010 it was so festive everyone are so happy to celebrate it, to do fasting, even like 3 days before fasting start. I don't know if it's because of the coronavirus pandemic that people starts to lose hope and interest in it or other reason. Let's talk about day 1 first. The day before 13th April i was already fasting to cover up the fast i didn't do last Ramadhan, also to do practice as well. The first day of fasting i was okay, going to work like usual, but probably more sleepy and hungry than before. I got hungry at 1pm and was craving for Kebab. Ahh.. Kebab. My first iftar as

  Happy 22th Birthday to you. It's been 3 years since i spend my birthdays and your birthdays. But hopefully we can cherish and celebrate each of our birthdays together again. As we cross path and find ourselves back in each other arms again. Bae,   another year of life, full of important challenges, new adventures, and new moments together, I am very happy to be able to share my life with you this day.  In this time that we have been together, my way of seeing things has changed a lot. I also learned with you that challenges are not impossible and that you can always get what you want in life if you make an effort, an example of this is that you are by my side. I know you'll probably be bored by my letter very soon if i keep writing bunch of things, lmao. So let me cut it short. 22 wish for a 22 years old man. 1. I wish you would be more productive with your university works and your works. 2. I wish you have luck in finding jobs, not just finding girls but also finding the ri

 here i am again,  crying, after i think about you and what would we be in the future. crying if we could ever meet again. crying because sometimes i can't take this anymore. i don't want to fear myself with you. i don't want to hide ourself. i don't want this relationship to just fade. it's like we're playing cats and dogs with the world. i want to shout to the world. hug you in the bridge where people could see us. i wanna know that we belong together. i want you to come by to my house and have a lunch with my family before picking me up. and i want to have dinner and chill conversation with your parents. but here i am again crying. because i'm such a loser. i'm a coward for not being able to be brave enough. to tell my parents about it to be frank with them. and just keeping my feelings all by myself. every time i think about it my heart shanked, shatter into pieces, eyes started swelling, pounding my chest as if it was already broken inside. "wh

  Let's talk about our future i said to him with a soft spoken voice with tears welled up in my eyes.  We would talk about how we wanted to live in a suburb part of the town. Away from the crowd but not too far. But still quiet enough for our cup of tea in the morning. We want to have enough garage for 4 of our cars. Our cats. Maybe even a rabbit if our garden is big enough. A room for his hobby. A room for my laptop and easel. A pool for the kids so they could bring their friends from school to come by and play at our house. Our house. That sounds very nice. A house filled with nothing but comfortable silence or late night chatting while playing Playstation at the living room. Talks about our day in the bed. Or playing nerf with our children. I cook while you clean. You drive and i navigate.  It's like sparks every time i think about it. It's like fireworks in my chest ready to sprung out the sky, my feet was pushing me like "let's go let's go, we can make it