N . A

Why is the voices in my head keeps getting more cruel and mean to me, telling me i should go insane, telling me i should just die.  Never have i think about leaving this world on purpose. I was too afraid to kill myself. I was too afraid of dying in general. But this voice won't stop. It won't stop torturing me day and night. It was too damn painful to hear. It screams to me, in my ear, in my brain that i was a loser that needs to stop everything. That everything i do is wrong, everything i say is not true, because everything that i thought i know... is false. I was clueless, i was unempathic, i was selfish, i was snobby, i was not the person i wish i am. It even kills me to know that. I really wish all these thoughts would dissapear but it just comes back in and suck. I thought i would never even attempt on thinking about it. But i guess the voices in my head truly wants me to kill myself.  please make it stop.

 "hey babe i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you or respond quickly yesterday. Got a bad stress coming over about the things i told you about. I'm sorry i didn't let you know and it made you feel frustated and overthink. I wish i could pull that away from you. I'll make sure to text you first my whereabout keep me posted of yours also. I love you and i'm sorry" but instead... he just left me gaming with his buddies.  With no thoughts of asking me whats wrong? or even a glance of why i sound different.  And when i tell him clearly, he say he felt the same thing to me and proceed to not apologize or trying to make me feel better. Not a flower, not a food sent, not an effort to go to me directly or even the simplest "can we call? i'm sorry, i don't wanna make you sad and mad." all those loving message you sent was it true? i feel like what you say and your action doesn't match true these days. the things that i say to you were just

am i wrong? for wanting a proper date with flowers in a proper place, for wanting the man to plan the date? for wanting to be receive a bucket of beautiful flowers? for wanting to be surprised? for wanting a "just because" gift? for wanting to feel the way all the girls feel when their boyfriend throw a surprise plan/date for her? for wanting to be love offline or online? for wanting the bare minimum of clear and steady communication? for someone to pat and calms her when her storm has strike? for wanting a man to be the provider?  

 i'm glad that i'm not a smoker, i couldn't even handle the smoke, i don't even know how to inhale it, i don't get the 'fun' in it, and my body literally built not for smoking like it automatically refuse smoke of any kind, vape? shisha? cigarretes? i couldn't. and i am grateful for that.

  What is your purpose in life? What is your 3 most priority in your life? How would you picture yourself having a family? What kind of family do you want? How many children do you want? What if i can't have a child? Do you want a child? What if i don't want a child? What do you think about adopting and have you consider doing it one day? Do you think you can look and be beside me when i'm pushing out the baby? Have you ever heard of vasectomy? If it for the benefit of us, would you do a vasectomy? What do you think is a husband stitch? What kind of a father figure you want to be? What will you prioritize in educating your children first? (Ethics, Islamic, or Academics?) In what school our children will go to? and why do you choose that school? Do you think Pesantren is a good place to put our children there? Are you the type of father that will be mad if the kids failed at their test or have C in their report card? In Islamic aspect, what do you think a good husband should

Dear A, Thank you for all of the years you had love me silently, support me silently and even defending me silently. I know it's hard for you to be in an unrequited love, a one sided feeling and i'm sorry that i just know at the end. Even tho i can't reply to your feelings but i really am grateful to be the one you support, give love, and (me) subconsciously motivates you to become a better person. To be your first love during middle school probably a big thing for you also and i'm really grateful for that. The time when you accept it wholeheartedly when i refuse your "girlfriend" question, you are still being very respectful about it and it's something i admire about you.  For those 2 years, thank you for the bottom of my heart and i'm also sorry that i couldn't give the same feeling. I wish you nothing but the best and pray for you to have a woman that could give you the love you deserve.  Dear A, Thank you for the Clean Bandit songs recommendat